I'm just going to start off by apologizing if this is long and/or completely uninteresting to you. The truth is that I just need to get some things off of my chest and give myself a pep talk.
For those of you who are unaware, I play piano on our church worship team. It all started when I was in high school. Our church needed a keyboard player, so I learned to play and, Tada!, I was the new keyboard player.. I didn't start playing because I was passionate about it or because I felt called to do it. I started playing because there was a need there, and I filled it. I know, I know.. Not exactly why you should make a commitment like that, but I did it. There are many, many areas in ministry that can be filled by anyone who has the heart to fill it, but, believe me, being on a worship team is not one of them.
I have always had a MAJOR heart for worship. Literally, I could just sit and worship all. day. long. I love to sing my love to my Savior, and I love to dance before the Lord and just lay myself bare before Him. Nothing in the entire world could ever compare to it. Ever since I have started playing the piano, I have had a few breaks (i.e. I went off to college), but for the past two and a half years, there have been no breaks. Lately, I have been completely burned out, and, I admit, I had a pretty bad attitude about it. Talk about not what you need on stage, huh? If I'm being even more honest, there was a lot of the bad attitude bug going around on our team. We still had some pretty amazing worship services, but I can't help but wonder how much MORE amazing they would have been if we had all, myself included, had our hearts where they needed to be.
Literally, it had gotten so frustrating to me that I was on the very, very edge of the verge of telling our worship leader that she was going to have to find someone else.
Tonight, we had a meeting with the worship team. Lots of issues were hashed out in the open. Including bad attitudes. It was during this meeting that I realized how selfish I have been. To think that all this time, I've been under the impression that this was all about ME? Oh, how wrong I was. And this coming from someone with a HEART for worship?! Unbelievable.
God didn't place me on this worship team so that I could feel good. He didn't give me this talent so that I could impress people. Because, honestly, I'm really not even that good. I can chord whatever you give me, but give me some sheet music, and it might as well be braille. I can't do fancy introductions and piano solos. I can't make it sound like the CD. I've been really down on myself about that. We have a band full of perfectionists that want everything we do to sound just like the CD, and I can't do that. But I can give it all I have and do it for God. Who cares if my introduction doesn't sound just like Lakewood Church? Who cares if my finger slips and I hit a wrong note? Who cares if I can't hit every single chord in an old hymn? That's not what it's about anyway!
I just hate that it took me this long to realize it.
I've been so focused on how I wanted to be in the congregation instead of behind a piano so that I could worship, when I SHOULD have been worshipping the whole time! In a way, playing the piano can help me to enter into His presence even MORE than if I were in the congregation. I mean, for crying out loud, I'm on a team that LEADS people into His presence! Doesn't that mean I should already be there if I'm helping to lead people that way? Of course it does! My heart should be prepared, and my mind should be focused on the task at hand.
From this point on, no more bad attitude. No more getting down on myself because I can't play something just right. No more being selfish.
From now on, I will be positive. I will prepare my heart for what is to come. I will pray for His anointing to flow through my fingers every time I get behind that keyboard. I will stop focusing on what I CAN'T do and start focusing on what I CAN do!
"I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about You.. It's all about You, Jesus. I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it when it's all about You.. It's all about You, Jesus."